When in doubt, bury your name.

I am going to be retiring this blog, as I think the time has come to completely shed away what no longer remains or works. I’ve had a good run with this blog and I got what I needed to out of it. I will leave it up for others to peruse the tutorials and shadow sundays posts, but other than that I will not be here.

In terms of Shadow Work, I think I finally hit a pivotal point yesterday accidentally, finally moving a big boulder I could not see or understand earlier. With that came a release and I think I’m finally ready to move on from dedicated, active Shadow Work. Over the years it has helped me to become self aware of my cycles, and make the hard decisions in life that I wouldn’t otherwise make until much later in my life. It has taught me to not be afraid of the person I can become. To not fear your own capacity but allow it to become you and liberate you. With that comes painful upheavals that break down walls. You might walk away with much loss, in order to make much more room for gain.

You are allowed decide who and what you are.

With that, I’ve think I’ve exhausted the shadow work tool belt. I’ve learned all the skills I need for now to make a greater change in my life and understand the sheer depth of my own complexity (as we each have or own complexity and simplicity to our inherent nature).  It’s been a great many years since I have grown into this identity, and things are no longer the same as they were when I began with this name and journey.  I’ve outgrown my own ambitions and for someone who went into this just hoping to feel a little less victimized by circumstances, I’d say that’s a pretty successful feat.

SS VOL III – Serendipity and the Capacity to Wound

Shadow Sundays Volume III  – Serendipity and the Capacity to Wound
Omens, synchronicity, and the dynamics between victim and abuser.

I have spent the entire week on what is called a “learning journey” at my job. Intense immersion with community builders (grass roots/underground culture that focuses on putting power into the hands of those who are underprivileged, rather than profiting from turning their needs into a business of “saving” them). It’s taken me through several cities, many tears and explosive emotions, and a deep sense of awakening beginning. Yes, not quite awakened yet–more the sense of the dirt being lifted off the coffin, feeling the impending gnosis about to occur.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to restructure my shadow work practices after three years. I contemplated making a new credo, but that didn’t seem to fit because I’m at a point in my life where being fluid in my moral compass and decisions is necessary. Then I considered perhaps pushing the power of purging to its limits–entirely ridding myself and my space of anything not entirely mine or not acquired through my own means–but I couldn’t see any long term benefit to that other than a temporary feeling of relief that would quickly die off like a quick high. Since I’m astrally disconnected for now, all options using that as a platform are null and void. The only path was pretty clear: I have to trust that for now that if I surrender to floating along in life, it will take me where I need to be. The only condition to this is to not resist. Which, being so numb and apathetic has made it easy to defeat the anxiety that prohibits me from going with the flow and “saying yes” to opportunities and journeys.

When I was a teen, I had this burning unstoppable fire that made me balls to the wall and fearless. Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified of many things, and depression was a huge anchor–but because I had no value to my life anymore and wanted to suicide, I had this do-it-all-or-die attitude. There was no consequence to facing fear because if the worst scenarios happened, it would bring relief. And if nothing bad happened, then I only had room to gain.

I lost that in early adulthood. The sense of quiet hope that still sits in even the most defeated teenager gets snuffed out by the time you’re an adult realizing not much is going to change if things haven’t changed already. In the past month or so I’ve realized the power that fearless attitude had in helping me to cope and survive and give my life substance. But I had no idea how to get it back. After some thought I realize that the only reason I had started doing that in the first place was that I forced myself to do it. The fearless nature wasn’t inherent, it was crafted. It was magix in itself. It was projecting an attitude on myself until I became it entirely and then took control of it to shape and influence my life that I had no control over in any other aspects (financially, health wise, etc…the cards life deals).

After a couple of sleepless nights and fearing another relapse I managed to find the last scrap of energy I had to kick my own ass and force myself into decisions I wouldn’t otherwise make. It’s like pushing a rock through heavy mud. At first it’s heavy and slow and near impossible, but once you start and get momentum going it’s hard to stop and eventually it feels natural and comfortable. Eventually, you reach a point where nothing is outside of your comfort zone–because you’ve basically obliterated the concept of one even existing.

Hence, I landed myself in a learning journey that I would have otherwise walked away from (lack of energy, social anxiety, self doubt). Still, I felt lost and without direction, but every time I stopped to ask “please, give me a sign. Something. anything”–something delivered that sign. Through an odd series of events I had been given quotes that would later be reflected in the words of a new person I would meet during the journey. Where I lacked common ground, I was given unexpected tools to build connections. I met people that had spoken the words I had needed to hear my entire life. The thoughts I kept to myself would end up being vocalized by someone else just seconds after the thought. Whomever or whatever was guiding me along a very clearly defined thread. So I followed. Once the journey was done, my mind was scrambled–I felt overwhelmed.

I was doubly overwhelmed and confused since 90% of the time the signs were being delivered by god-devoted Christians. I hold nothing against them, and some of my most favorite and influential people in my life are gospel goers. But there’s something you just cannot deny about divinity anymore when your unrelated system of beliefs is delivered by someone connected to divinity in another way. The web is large and the messengers precise. Be it a god or just a cosmic faceless force, something was going to make sure I got the messages I needed loud and clear. I would detail them but to be honest I could probably write a book on this past week alone.

The intensity of the week however caused something else to break. My relationship with my mother snapped again (I saw it coming) and after an explosive argument I landed myself back where I was many years ago. I thought “this is it. I didn’t make the move to leave soon enough so life is doing it for me”, but I also still had a sense that it wasn’t the right time yet. I trust my gut. When it comes to moving house, I always get strong feelings about it that lead me to the next step in my life. That feeling wasn’t there. The argument not only broke me though; it also broke my mother. Afterwards, she went into the same space I go to cry, huddled over herself and pained so much she could hardly breathe. It was like a glass wall shattering: here is my mother that I try so hard not to be like and yet in this moment we are a spitting image of each other. When I am hurt, I am exactly her. I hide away and quietly crumble inside.

But I didn’t know what to do. It’s always a fine line to walk when it comes to mending things and repeating a cycle. I refuse to repeat cycles, but at the same time I know inaction or leaving will not break the cycle–it will only perpetuate further troubles and leave unresolved matters that will find me later. So again, I asked for a sign.

Having nothing on hand but a divination app I gave it a shot–expecting some short, shallow, unhelpful sentence to pass off as “nope, no divinity here, just a computer”. Instead I got the message that when I am hurt I have a great capacity to wound–and that right now in that moment I needed to put aside my own pain and realize my capacity to heal. I reasoned with myself that I still have to stand my ground,  but I also had to look at my mother. I had reached the same capacity to break her in the way she had done to me my whole life. I saw the manifested power I have to wound. Indeed it is strong–it has to be. When you have no other means of defense against the people who hurt and abuse you in your life, there is no greater tool than to disarm them by breaking them down. It’s cruel but so is the nature of survival.

Understanding that perspective, I became someone outside myself for a minute. A piece of me I haven’t seen in a long time, that I think I buried with my soul somewhere out there in the astral proper, for another time and another life. I stepped into her hiding place and I broke the cycle. I spoke frankly, and honestly, but I also allowed her the space to do that and we reached a point I had never really fathomed. I expressed the things I felt I could never express to her before. My anger and hurt over my mental illness not being taken seriously, or that the times I had tried to express that in the past had all broken me further by denying me and invalidating me. I told her of the changes going on in my life that I can’t talk to her (or anyone) about.  It was then that my mother truly was honest and open for once; in saying that she has been the same as me for years; not telling anyone anything and keeping it in to the point of hurting the ones you care about because you’re breaking under the pressure of silence.

By stepping into the cycle from a perspective I hadn’t before, I broke it to the point of her expressing a truth that I’ve always known but that she would never say. It changed the dynamic of a relationship drastically in just that short moment. We spent several hours further discussing things. You can longer look at someone the same when a 40 year truth finally breaks the surface and you see the things that person never allowed anyone to see before.

Is the ground still tense and delicate? Yes. I’m still walking a carefully drawn line between “giving in”, constantly asking myself “am I just going back for more?”, and making a difference and taking control of a situation rather than being victimized by it. I’m not sure. I’m not totally certain the circumstances have changed enough or progressed enough yet for that role to be fully fleshed out.

In one last effort to ask for direction, I gathered up the petals from the altar, wilted and drenched in the energy of the week and the conflicts that sit in the air, and release them into the air outside. Release and a wish.

We’ll see what happens. The world is moving and I have no concrete footing–I’m just floating as it all takes form.

SS VOL III – Complications and Adventures in Birding

frowersShadow Sundays Volume III  – Complications and Adventures in Birding
In other words: Why medications suck and rediscovering a lost love.

~Complications and boring negative stuff at beginning of entry–happier more successful things at second half of entry.~

The past weeks since I’ve written the last SS have been riddled with a lot of obstacles and stress. It’s made it hard to write, I’m never quite sure what to say when I’m in the middle of things. I’ve been having a bad time with my allergy meds screwing with my stability (nothing new there, there’s a history of that happening), a bad time at home and work, and overall just not feeling so great physically. Truly, it’s just been a matter of bad timing: everything that could go wrong, goes wrong at the same exact time. I had been making some really great progress before then, but I don’t think I’ll be back on the upswing for at least another month. This month’s schedule is so maxed out with some very intense meetings for my job, coinciding with life changes. I’m holding out for July.

All that aside, my shadow work has been focusing on trying to claim and declare the things that make up me. It’s been more difficult than I hoped. One, trying to get those around me to accept my vision of myself verses their vision of me is near impossible. It can be discouraging at times. “That’s not you.” Actually, it is. Invalidating those things makes it sometimes feel like you can’t be acknowledged for who you are. I’ve been fighting that same fight my entire fucking life, it’s exhausting and I honestly want to give up some days, but I know I can’t because the more I give up the more that allows people’s perceptions of me to be validated over my actual identity.

Two, I’ve been emotionally dead, and financially poor, for so long that I really don’t know what I like or what excites me. The problem with depression is that nothing is exciting. Even if you “recover”, you may just be surviving a little bit better, but that doesn’t mean you necessarily are filled with vigor for life. Hobbies and interests still feel “meh” and exhausting to me. I never know what to say during icebreakers or introductions–when people ask what I do for fun I want to slink back to my room and hermit away again. I wish I had an answer, but I’m still just existing…I’m not living. Growing up, like I said, I never had money to do anything (and yes, when you live in bumfuck, there ain’t much to do that you don’t have to pay for in some capacity–considering it’s a 30 minute drive to the food store and that’s a car and gas right there). I can’t even tell you what I used to like doing because I did absolutely nothing but rot in the house all the time.

While I still don’t exactly have the level of freedom or money to travel now, I am doing my best to start from square one and expand from there. If there is one thing that I have done for years, both in and outside of the home, it’s bird watching.

To be fair, I probably would not have looked into this with deeper inspection if it weren’t for some astral circumstances shining light on my love of birds again, but sure enough–I never not find joy in birds.

They exist with or without the rest of us, and that simplicity is more meditative and healing than it would first appear. So I started to take this a little more seriously. My attempts to go on bird walks got thwarted by my job (you don’t understand uncanny bad luck until you meet me and watch me try to schedule anything fun), so I’ve had to stick to backyard birding. I’ve gotten a couple guides to fill in my gaps of knowledge (since my vocabulary is more or less “that brown bird with the white strip that goes twee twee”), birding journal, and affixed my bottom to the splintery wood of the backyard deck to sit and watch.

I can’t say it’s life changing, but in terms of shadow work, it is something I have always loved and birds have always been a big part of my identity. It also gives me at least brief moments through out the day where I’m thinking about something other than my vacant life and obstacles. As well as gets me out in the sun for a bit each day, away from bed, and gives me a reason to look forward to the day. Little glimpses of fluttering life, especially when you have a chance to interact with birds that aren’t shy, can give you a nice breath of fresh energy.

Spending time birding has subsequently rekindled my love for the outdoors–which I didn’t realize was such a gaping void in my life. Upon reflecting on this, I remembered that as a kid I pretty much spent all my time outside. From the moment I woke up I’d be outside (and if I had school that day, I’d be outside the minute I got home), and I wouldn’t go back in except for dinner time and then I’d be outside again. I’d sit in trees for hours. Some days I didn’t go back inside until about 11:30PM. I didn’t care about getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. Everything about being covered in grass stains, watching lightning bugs, holding butterflies, and exploring the forest behind my house…it all felt invigorating and fulfilling. As a kid I didn’t have the context to understand how valuable that feeling is.

I stopped going outside in my early teens. My home life was crumbling, my brother’s health was crumbling, my neighbor and our mutual friends would purposefully sit at the edge of my yard and make loud, rude comments about me…I didn’t have time to go outside and on days when I did my friends made the experience miserable.  Then I moved to the city for college and while I spent every opportunity I had in the no-so-well-known garden on campus, “being outside” wasn’t exactly nature walks.

In my effort to further my birding adventures, I’ve found some lesser traveled hiking trails and silently moved another shadow work rock I had put on the back burner a while ago. Rediscovering a love of being alone.

Sure, my introverted nature has always been there, but in the depths of my worst depression relapses, my spirit broke so much that being alone felt worse than death to me. This, if you’ve been reading all along, you know has landed me in a million problems because I seek company for all the wrong reasons, and accept company that isn’t good for me.

But like birding…walking alone gives me that time and space to breathe where for a little while; I forget I am in so much pain (internally and externally). For a brief time I get to just live. And in that time, I have no desire or need for anyone or anything. I don’t feel a need to fill any holes. My mind rests and I don’t even remember the feeling of needing anything. The best part of it though, is that it’s not a numbing experience. I’m still present, alive, associated, and feeling. I’m just experiencing the absence of desperation. It’s truly liberating.

So I may not be able to escape far from home, but for little bits and pieces of my day, I have tiny, peaceful escapes through winged things and grassy places.

Fool’s Journey Never Ends

Spring flowers

I haven’t written in quite some time, mostly because I’m in an uncomfortable growing stage of my life. For me my spiritual practices have never been isolated from my life–they’re integrated and dependent on my life circumstances. So when I make major life changes, I end up making huge jumps in my spiritual life. Currently, that’s meant walking away from everything. As most of you know, I haven’t been in the best of health for several years now. While mentally I’m at a point of recovery, that stability is fragile when I physically don’t feel my best (as then I can’t participate in life which isolates me and leads to further depressive fits). In my time away I reconnected to some old values, outgrew the person I am and have been, which ultimately is exactly what I’m all about. If I’m not constantly growing;  I’m not being me.

So I’ve had to make some decisions on where my life is going. I stepped back and made my health a priority, and finally after several obstacles have started making progress there. But to heal, I needed to eliminate as many stress factors in my life as possible. I needed to eliminate the things I molded myself to be but ended up not liking. Being alone and exploring the world for a bit helped me figure out at least a blurry glimpse of the kind of person I want to be–and the road I’ve been on hasn’t been taking me there.

I strayed from my core. I was never much of a follower or crowds person, but I’ve spent the first years of my 20’s trying to connect in hopes of nestling in somewhere, but I always found myself at odds with everything,  causing more headaches  than problems solved. Don’t get me wrong, the past  few years have given me some hard lessons and tests that I’m glad are done and out of the way, and were accomplished in ways that didn’t have consequences on my physical life as badly as they could have been.

But, there was a great discomfort in that. I am a solitary creature by nature, and finally understand how I want to reconcile the need for hermitage with the desire to simultaneously not be isolated. I want to walk among many roads without forcing mine to merge onto a main highway. Which is hard when you’ve nestled yourself deep into a network and then realize “this glove don’t fit too well at all”. It’s messy territory full of expectations, unhealthy patterns, and regression for me. I’ve grown; it’s time to allow myself some breathing room to let old roots fall off and not have the past define the future chapters of my life.

This has sort of put my spiritual life in the blender.

Where does that put me now? On some level I think I still identify with being a witch and an astral dweller (you sort of never get to shake that off, even if you leave it behind). The amount of chaos that has happened over the past 3 years or so has landed me in a place of a much more mundane practice, one that sends me back on a journey to my old, old, old roots that were abandoned when I first stepped foot into astral work. I am sort of rediscovering my youth, and the things that I truly felt were -me-, and starting to divide myself from the things I have become as an adult.

I can say at the very least my practice has transformed from a proactive, elevated one–to a more grounded, mundane, and simplistic one. I do my daily prayer work twice a day (when time and health allows), I put out the offerings, and that’s pretty much it. For a while now everything has been a dead fuse and I know better than to exert myself in trying to resurrect things. It’s better to just wait it out and let time do its thing. So instead I fuel the remainder of my energy into taking advantage of this quiet period to refuel, rest, and allow myself to just simply be human for a little while.

As of yesterday, things have started to stir up again, but still low on the radar. Astrally speaking, after separating myself from The Family, I shifted gears in my adventures and spirit work, primarily focusing on healing and defensive arts instead (not that these were absent before, but they now take priority over things). I will continue to write guides on my breed of magix and the likes, but a lot more of my practice will remain solitary and private again.

I will be resuming Shadow Sundays hopefully soon (pretty much every weekend has been filled up for the past few months so I haven’t been able to truly FOCUS on saturdays and sundays–which was the whole point of SS in the first place: to spend dedicated time every Friday/Saturday to uncovering and healing, and reflecting on my experiences on Sunday). The cool thing is I think they will be moving in a much more positive direction, as I’ll be documenting my efforts to restructure my life and environment to support my happiness, despite having a mental illness. I have made peace with a lot of the causes of my struggles, and now it is time to create, discover, and move on from those things (Shadow Work is always two-fold).

In short: A ginormous chapter of my life has finally come to an end, closed, and I’m now embarking on new chapter which has uprooted me from the way things have been since I started blogging. I needed some time to figure out where exactly I want to be heading, and now I’ll be sharing with you my trials to get there.

SHADOW WORK MAGIX: Bury Your Happiness

Bury Your Happiness



This spell is a long term, twofold spell for protecting your happiness while you heal from traumatic situations. It can also be used for purifying/cleansing purpose if you choose to do so. I apologize for typos ahead of time, I haven’t gotten much sleep due to health issues.

Mechanics and Concepts of the Magix

It took me a long time to get this tutorial, mostly because this is a very long spell! The prep work is quick and simple, but the time period over which the magix actually takes place is long, and will test your patience (which is intentional).  The core idea is that when you are healing (primarily from social situations that were emotionally and mentally damaging), you may not always do what is best for your or your recovery. Much the way addiction is hard to beat–we are addicted to certain habits and patterns by nature. Either because we have never known anything but those patterns (ex: grow up in abuse, find yourself in an abusive relationship as an adult), or because we are used to the way they feel and anything outside of that is scary and uncomfortable.  Sometimes even when we are on the road to recovery, we believe we are not worthy of good things or recovery, and hence don’t have the strength to protect our boundaries. The point is that sometimes you may find yourself running headfirst back into the problems for one reason or another–and that sets your recovery back, if not completely reverses any progress you’ve made.

So, the first aspect of this magix is dealing with the strength it takes to withhold and abstain from the situations that are unhealthy. Which is where patience comes in–it can be very hard to continue to stay away. Change and anything outside of habit can make one feel antsy, especially if you are used to the emotional extremes, highs and lows, of a given situation, the absence can feel foreign and wrong. Essentially, you will be putting your happiness (however you wish to define that) out of your reach in a controlled manner, to keep your focus on healing, and prevent yourself from further damage. The magix will not only put your best interests in a safe place so to speak, but create a defense system carefully tailored to a) destroy the things already there and in the way, and b) prevent further intrusion. Because of this, you may choose to alter the materials used based on your tradition. Anyone with herbal witchery experience, or a background in hoodoo, or kitchen magick will likely have associations to certain materials that will work better for them.

The second aspect of the magix functions as a purification system. The defenses serve a dual purpose of leeching out the traps and habitual failings that continually thwart progress. You can leave this process be, or take it further by specifically tailoring the written part of the magix to include a cleanse of yourself or your life (again, whatever suits your needs). If you are choosing to include the purification process, the time frame will be elongated, and the magix will be broken into two phases. This will be discussed later in the guide.

A final note before moving on to actually creating the magix; I highly advise keeping this as singular/solitary as possible. If you practice or worship deity, they can aid you surely, but I personally believe that a strong function of this magix is that it is you taking control of the wheel; you getting yourself up on your feet again; and you consciously becoming aware of the ways in which you hinder yourself. Rely on your background/deity for support and fortitude, but try to rely on your own strength as much as possible. This will build you up for better in the long run. Again, my opinion, feel free to disregard.

Please be aware that in doing this magix you may end up unleashing holy hell as you are effectively calling out for all things bad for you to come to the surface so that you may eliminate unhealthy actions and cycles. The magix is intended to be performed during a point of moderate stability, when you are looking to really commit to that stability wholeheartedly and have already made some progress.

Materials and Set Up


You may follow my supplies list, or substitute as necessary:

Black Salt (home made or confectionery)
Pink Salt (May use white sea salt)
Pepper Corns (or any element of spice)
A mortar and Pestle (or use the grinder caps on the salts)
A small trinket box/container (Must be opaque)
Paper (Small)
Pen (Make it a special one)
Flower cuttings (Optional. Small, must fit in the trinket box)
A stone/crystal that is either an absorbent or a purifier
String of a color that relaxes you

Note: I do not advise using dirt in this magix. While I am frequent user of dirt, and the concept of “burying” something would make dirt an appropriate material, dirt is a binding agent in my magix. Since you are following my guide–I would be wary of the association carrying over. Dirt can act as an anchor to the location of its origin, locking you down in your troubles rather than clearing them. You will be grinding the salts and spices to create a layer of “dirt”.

If you have tendinitis like me: Do not be cocky. Use the the grinder caps on the salt and pepper (or use a pepper mill). Mortars are super witchy, but grinding salts down can be really rough on injuries.

Paper: If you have a dedicated notebook to spells, prayer, or deity devotion/communication, use paper from there. You want something that is well charged with power and your energy, and the energy of things that are good for you/make you happy (hence if you have a turbulent and emotional relationship with your devoted spirit or deity, that might not be good paper to use because you want to keep the magix as clear from tribulations as possible). I used a notebook I use to write prayers and letters to the Wolf Man. (But L, you just said avoid turbulent relationships–yes but I only use this notebook to write positive and wishful things to him).

Box: Definitely make sure it is secure. It will be the overall shell to the magix, so you do not want something see-through. You may want to take this all the way and use a metal or heavy duty box. I used one that artistically matches my energy/identity.

Crystals: Use your expertise or whatever calls to you. You only need one for inside the box (so make sure it is not a stone you use frequently, because you will not be seeing it for a while). You may choose to use a second one later at the end of the magix, outside of the box.

Flowers:  They are standard in most of my spells, in this case they are used culturally (flowers for death/loss, since you will hopefully be shedding the things/life behind you that were not good for you), as well as energetically for the intention of better and beautiful things to come. Flowers in my practice are always transformation tools, as they embody the process of shadow work rather well. But if you do not have the available, or don’t want to use them, you can skip this.


Box full of peppercorns

Put aside some time on a day when you are feeling particularly well (clear head, emotionally balanced, healthy–or as much as possible on any of these things). Preferably, have some privacy so that you can think in peace and quiet. On the paper write down your intentions and what you will be burying, and what you want to come out of it. In my case since I tied cleansing into the magix, I wrote a very brief prayer to bury the particular situations I was having trouble moving on from (that were affecting my ability to function in day to day life). Then I added a request to be cleansed, and to deliver me to the point in time in which those issues would no longer affect me. I folded up the letter small enough to fit in the box, drew a sigil for purity on the outside, and tied it closed. Take your time with this. The letter/prayer should be simple. You don’t have to explain or justify why those things need to be gone–you are putting your health first ultimately, and that’s all that matters. As long as that intention is clear, you’re good to go.

Now grind up enough pink salt to create a thin layer over the bottom of the trinket box, with some left to spare. Then put a layer of solid pink salt crystals over that. This is your cleansing “dirt”. It is going to keep the intention of your letter pure and untouched by any forces that wish to work against you. Place the tied letter on top of this layer. Then sprinkle the remainder of the crushed salt over it to “bury” it–sealing it in a clean space.

Over the letter you will want to place a thin layer of ground black salt, followed by solid black salt crystals, followed with a generous layer of more ground black salt. (You  may choose to throw anything extra in this layer). Black salt for me works like a blindfold–it conceals your letter and creates a barrier between the outside world, and the inside safe space you created for the letter with the pink salt.

Now you will crush your spices. The spicier/stronger the better. I used a mixed pepper corn collection that stings the eyes as soon as you open the cap. Really–you want the spices to be unpleasant. This is your ward and deterrent. When placing this, you want to focus on your dedication to your health and how strongly you are backing your own boundaries. You essentially want the spices to absorb the nature of “don’t come within ten fucking feet of me.” Fill it with danger if you have to. The end goal is to make the energy of the pepper “spike”, and flare upon impact with ill intentions thought or sent by others.

Each layer should be done with patience and concentration. Take your time. Take days to do each layer if you need. You are setting up for a long haul, so you want everything to be accounted for.


I put a layer of whole, uncrushed, spices on top of the ground layer just to finish things off cleanly and disguise the “dirt” layers, so that when you open the box it looks like it is just a box full of pepper corns and nothing more. Again, it’s that hidden element of hiding your good things away for safe keeping.

Spend some time grieving after you have finished all the layers; because at this point, you are accepting that a better life is not in your cards right now, but is in the future and you are preparing it. You are suspending hope, and accepting that you’re going to embark on a journey to better yourself and work through your issues so that when that future time comes, it will not be in danger of being compromised.

Long Term Set Up

Box full of flowers

Now that you’ve done the burying part, you’ll want to place the crystal(s) and flowers over the peppercorns. Much the way flowers on a grave represent that what has been buried has not been forgotten, the crystal and the flowers help to anchor the intentions of the magix. That while you have just figuratively buried your happiness, you will one day come back to it. I advise using a crystal that can help absorb the negative and unhelpful things from your letter and outside influences.

After you’ve added any extra materials (I added a dusting of ground black salt to cleanse the whole process, because it was imperative for the type of prayer I wrote), put the cover on the box, find a safe location where it can remain for several months (potentially), and set up a ward of your choosing around it.



For my ward, I just put a circle of salt crystals around the box, and anchored it with a “keystone” crystal that is used for healing. I kept mine simple because I have layers of complex wards around this space in general, so I did not need anything complicated for the box itself. You can use a crystal grid, a sigil grid, or even “bury” the box itself by nesting it inside other items (this may be impractical though for the next part of the magix).

You’ll want to let this sit for some time. Check in energetically–if you feel a lot of activity (good or bad) going on, continue to leave it be. Let the magix do its thing. Once you feel that the energy and activity has died down and feels “empty”–you will want to give the box a little shake daily (or as you feel compelled to). When shaking, be mindful of your intention and radiate that you want good things for yourself, and that you want to feel better. No more than that–you do not want to weigh it down with any heavier thoughts than that. The longer the magix goes on for, the less you may feel the need to shake the box.

When a time comes when you realize you have forgotten the box (which should, if the magix worked properly, align with the time at which you have moved on from the issues that were troubling you), and you have ceased to shake it for a few weeks, you can move on to the second half of the magix. Do note that by “moving on”, I do not necessarily mean the situations were resolved. What it means it that the effect those situations had on you that you wished to be rid of are under control. For me, I was literally unable to sleep. I would go to bed with my mind reeling over the situation, and when I’d wake up in the morning after restless sleep, the first thought in my head would be that situation. So while I have no moved on or resolved that situation entirely in life (partially because what happened is out of my control), I reached a point where I made enough changes in my life that I was no longer reminded of anything related to it, and I was sleeping and had honestly forgotten about the situation for a while. It worked–and additionally my life was much better and I was finding small bits of happiness starting to arise. This is when I remembered my box and that I hadn’t touched it in a solid month.

Post Burial


After reaching a point of balance, open your box. Take note of what you observe. When I opened my box, my letter had un-buried itself. It was sitting at the top, much to my surprise. Even with shaking the box, I did not think the letter would move quite that far–but it was time and everything was ready to move forward, it was just waiting on me. Take out your letter, brush off the dust. Discard the now dead flowers, and put your stone somewhere to cleanse. Empty your box of the materials in whatever way you wish (they’re going to feel kind of nasty). Now you may pick one of two paths:

1) Untie and unfold your letter, read it, make peace with it, and observe if you feel you are indeed at the point you wished to be when you originally wrote the letter. If not, you may need to bury it again, or contemplate why the process did not work (divination is great for seeing the aspects you may have overlooked on your journey to recovery). If you are wary of your progress at all, I suggest taking path 2.

2)  Clean out the box thoroughly of any residue and remains. Cleanse energetically as well. Place the letter still tied and folded back into the box, with a completely clean and clear stone (as in energy can pass through it). You are now giving the magix space to breathe and expand, giving it strength to take place and manifest in your life. I did this because when I unearthed my letter, I felt that the negative obstacles had definitely been removed, but that it wasn’t time yet where I felt I could wholeheartedly back my own happiness and fully believe I deserve it. I didn’t have the strength yet, I needed more time.

Put the cover back on the box, and let it sit in an open space for some time. No need for the extra wards this time, nor is there a need to shake (unless you feel like it. I’m sure throwing a tiny cat bell inside there and shaking it would add some nice feelings to the magix).

When ready, and you have forgotten about it because you have successfully been busy rebuilding your life, take out your letter and proceed with path 1 of reading it.

What May Happen During


I mentioned in the beginning of this guide that you may unleash holy hell on your life by performing this magix. While you are putting your happiness in a safe space for later manifestation at a better point in your life–you are also inviting everything that threatens that ideal, to come confront you. Think of it like capture the flag. Everything in your way that either passively or actively works against you will know you’ve set out the intention to have a better life and recover from bad things (that may have the desire to control you like an abusive friend, or a controlling employer). You’ve hidden it, but they’re going to search like hell to try to get to it first before you.

But you’re ready. That’s why you’re doing this magix, because you know that is not how you want to live your life, and you’re ready to do what you must to take your flag for yourself and stick it on your territory with assurance and confidence that it is yours, and no one and nothing has the right to take it from you.

These things take time, and it really will not work if you are not already on the road to that point. So it is not suitable magix for someone just beginning shadow work, or someone stuck in mid-relapse, as tempting as it may be. The magix is designed to sort of “graduate” you from healing to stable. If you are still fighting or struggling to just get to the point of healing, it may not be time for you. However–you are free to do this magix during a time of duress, and just extend the period of burial for a long long long time (like a year or more) and see what happens. However, I’d use my Get Out magix for that cause instead.

You can expect some major shifts in your life during this time, as you move closer to building a life that is sustainable for you, there may be changes you never thought of or previously seemed unfathomable and out of reach.

Ending Notes

I created this magix because there was a lack of spells out there for post-recovery. Most spells are for getting you to the point of recovery or stability, or to target the individual issues in your way (such as curses against your foes, and prosperity spells so you can afford some health care). Recovering is hard, but keeping stable post-recovery is almost harder. It is scary because you are well aware of the world you just left, and the prospect of relapsing and falling back into it is enough to make you falter. It can be hard to have faith that you can continue to keep up a relatively normal and healthy life–but it’s worth a shot.

Thank you for reading~


The Relapse Web
Discovering the elements that compound depression, and discovering which element is easiest to tackle first for recovery.

The Relapse Web

A tarot spread to help identify all the key components and elements involved in depression and mental illness. This spread is specifically tailored to depression but can easily be applied to other illnesses, and singular shadow work issues that may not be as severe as depression (but the spread is meant to unpack complex, layered issues). This is an advanced tarot spread, I do not suggest beginners use it. It requires comfortable knowledge of the cards and all their various meanings, as well as a deep level of introspection with yourself that you can apply to the cards (hence you should have a relationship with the cards already where you have your own canon of strong associations and meanings for the cards).


Depression is usually not an isolated occurrence in your life. While it may have began either by your biology and genetics, or from experiencing a traumatic change in your life, the longer you have depression, the more things begin to affect it or be affected by it. Recovery is about maintaining and managing the illness, but this cannot be done successfully until you tackle each underlying issue. Otherwise you are prone to relapse, and relapsing alone is enough of a disappointment that it can be very hard to get back up again. This spread is meant to be an extra set of eyes to show you things you may not be aware of–NOT provide a cure.


The spread functions as a web (outer ring of cards)–as issues are usually related and influence each other (ex: if both your state of health and your family dynamics are components contributing to your depression, they are often linked in ways such as; I got in a fight with my family again and now do not want to eat. The family dynamics caused you to do something detrimental to your health, so they both individually affect your mental health, as well as in combination). The last card in the spread identifies the “weakest link” in the web, and is placed over the weakest component that is easiest to tackle and do something about. It’s the easiest to control  (at the time that you do the reading), and where you should begin. Again, it will not tell you how to tackle that component, but will explain to you how the component works so you have some direction in choosing a battle plan. (And that battle plan may be as simple as taking that issue to your psychologist and going “can we talk about this today?”) The center card identifies your inherent personality, who you are at your core with or without depression. This will help give context to the components and how they contribute to your relapses.


This may vary a bit depending on how you typically do readings for yourself.

Shuffle your deck however you wish, focusing on “what contributes to my depression” and “what causes my relapses”. I highly advise letting the cards just sit in your hands for several minutes, taking some deep breaths, not moving the cards at all, just to let them soak in your energy and all the subconscious matter floating around in the murky part of your soul. Basically, give the cards a chance to analyze you and give you the deepest reading possible. If you don’t believe in the spirit of the cards or energy work, you can skip this step but I suggest giving it a chance anyway.

Now you will draw 6 cards from the deck (I do not pull from the top, I pull by vibrational feel), starting at the top of the web, and moving clockwise. You may instinctively feel you need to draw more or less cards; go by your gut that is your decision. Take your time. You want the cards to describe multiple circumstances, rather than a continual narrative of one issue, which can happen if you rush it and don’t give the cards time to move from one subject to another. (Even if they are linked together, as is intended because it is a web, you want the web to be as all encompassing as possible).

Then pull the 7th card, the card that represents your core personality, and place it in the center of the web. I don’t advise picking this card before the reading and using it as a significator, just in case that card is better suited to representing a circumstance.

With all the motivation you can muster, pull the last (8th) card–you will need to intuitively feel out where this needs to be placed (hence why this is not a beginner spread). Move the card face down over the web slowly until you feel a pull toward one of the cards. Focus on “find me the issue I have the most capability to change or influence”. Once you’ve found the spot, place it down over your center card and the issue card, representing you breaking through that component in the web.

Flip the cards over.


There are two parts to analyzing the cards. Reading the web, and reading the relationships to the center card (you). Begin with the web, it will direct your interpretation for the second half.

Part 1

Starting at the top of the web and going clockwise again, analyze the card based on a) emotional impact of imagery, the first things that come to your mind, b) research from the little white book, your tarot books, online resources, etc., and c) your own canon of common associations and explanations for the cards.

Remember, you are interpreting from the perspective of “issues that cause a relapse”. So cards that are typically positive may need to be looked at uniquely to figure out why they are contributors to your depression, instead of helpful. I will provide simplified explanations from my reading below to give you some guidance on how that can be done.

Once you’ve identified each issue and how they work, find the weakest link card, and compare it to the issue it landed on. Analyze this card intuitively–is it telling you what makes the issue weaker/have less effect on you? Or does it amplify why that issue is a problem for you? Ascertain the amount of force it is telling to you inflict upon the issue (is it inferring a more passive route, or a more proactive approach?).

Now analyze the center card, your card–if successful the card should click with you immediately and you will understand why it was picked and feel akin to it. Don’t judge on first instinct, take some time to do some advanced research and see if there are aspects of the card that may not be typical but are very similar to who you are and the way you react to things.

Part 2

Once you’ve finished all of that, you will want to go through the web again from the perspective of how the issues are problems based on how your personality interacts with them.

Center –> Card 1
Center –>Card 2
Center –> Card 3

… so on and so forth. This is going to help you understand how the dynamics work on a deeper, subtler level so that you can bring that to the forefront of your conscious on a daily basis and start to try to gain control and understanding of the components before they influence you and your mental state.


You may add more layers to the web (outer and inner rings) if you feel necessary, you may also want to pull as many link breakers for as many issues, and instead of them directing which is the easiest to start with, let them represent what would help the issue they land on. Setting up two webs may be helpful as well, a web of things that are positive habits that help you stay stable, and the link breaker functions as what compromises your efforts, and then the other web being this one here.


Here is a simplified version of my reading.

WEB: The Star, The High Priestess, 3 of Wands, 5 of Cups, Ace of Pents, King of Swords
CENTER/ME: Knight of Cups
LINK BREAKER: 2 of Wands

Immediate notes: Priestess and 2 of Wands are established “opposing” cards. King of Swords fell out during shuffling, and was pulled during the reading, so it is likely a significant piece of the reading. 5 of Cups immediately struck me as the depression card and a good example of how I feel at the bottom. It is also mirroring its polar opposite: the Star. Star is hopeful, 5 of cups is hopeless.  Priestess and King mirror each other, both persona cards. Both Ace of Pents and 3 of Wands mirror each other and have forward and distant paths illustrated on the cards.

Issue 1: The Star. Has to deal with giving/sharing divine inspirations and experiences, sharing hope. This has often burned me in the past and sharing too much, so I no longer do it. However, you need hope and inspiration and to share it in order to be healthy. Without it, it affects my ability to cope and have my needs met. Losing belief/faith. Fallow times. Needing the star.

Issue 2: Priestess. Passive, needing secrecy but cutting off all relations to do so. Not having balance between spiritual enlightenment and sharing it. Being burned/back stabbed in my spiritual devotions.

Issue 3: Three of Wands. Being removed from the present, trying to foresee the future too much/but not being able to see it at all. Wanting to lead and teach, which always ends badly and being too stressful. Stress from travelling (new experiences and my current job both require this and sends me into bad bouts of panic attacks).

Issue 4: 5 of Cups. Depression card. Only being able to focus on the bad, feeling nothing but hopelessness, unable to stop grieving and focusing on losses.  Unable to see what is left.

Issue 5: Ace of Pents. Burying self in work to cope, and/or not being grounded enough in this life. (Both are negative aspects of the card I am guilty of). Also putting banking too much of my happiness on achieving my dreams that I feel will never happen (career of choice, having a family, etc…)

Issue 6: King of Swords. Analytical. Trying to “science” all the emotions and circumstances. Having to make hard decisions that have ultimately been better for me but bring a lot of strife before the decisions are made, and dealing with the stress of people’s opinions and disapproval afterwards. Anxiety over making decisions. Dual relation of being to analytical, and depression making me to fog-brained to do anything intellectual, which depresses me further as its a part of my personality and what I like to do/enjoy.

CENTER CARD: Knight of Cups. Definitely me. Idealist, romantic, works in extremes, overemotional and emotionally invested, introverted.

Knight –> Star: Hope intensely, fall hard when things don’t pan out well.

Knight –> Priestess: Expend large amounts of energy to spiritual pursuits, burn out from the drama.

Knight –> 3 of Wands: Projecting the future too much, but remaining stagnant.

Knight –> 5 of Cups: Extremes of Stability and Depression. Either stable or relapsing. No grey area. Black and white. Negativity.

Knight –> King of Swords: Judgmental/Analytical, no faith or openness to serendipity, no middle ground, making harsh decisions with emotional force.

Knight –> Link Breaker 2 of Wands: Too outward and involved, emotionally invested in outside situations, invested in progress of others and forgetting myself and my pursuits/progress–martyrdom syndrome.

Overall, reading is about having too many conditions of extremes and no middle way or balance. Also talked about some unresolved issues that I did not detail for you here but that will definitely help give me focus. Since the link breaker fell on the high priestess, the issue most in my control right now is how I handle my spiritual life and relations to the spiritual community and finding the balance between being bold and being secretive. The rest of the issues will be easier to tackle once I have stabilized that situation because it will resolve a lot of past issues, the relationships I make going forward, and restructure the part of my life that helped me survived for so long.

Shadow Sundays Vol. III – Out of the Nightmare


Shadow Sundays Vol. III – Out of the Nightmare
Doing shadow work in the Astral.

When I was at my lowest point in August, my eyes were clear from personal desires and inhibitions. I began to see just how toxic and wrong nearly every aspect of my life was–and I couldn’t help but view my astral existence through the same lens. I could no longer defend or justify things that made me unhappy (directly or indirectly), and was beginning to identify detrimental patterns in relationships, habits, and fate.  By fate, I mean the way I handle the introduction of beings or situations of which would happen inevitably (I do not believe fate is totally without freewill, I believe it to be circumstantial which way it swings, and can be a combination of both).

I noted in prior entries that I challenged the Family’s dynamic, becoming head of the household, but during that time (and after), the entire family tree began to fall apart for better or worse. I will spare the details of how that affected each member, but instead of trying to patch things up and play mediator like I usually do, I stepped back, threw my hands up, and said that is not my job anymore. That I cannot be responsible for fixing or guiding someone’s soul progression that should be full well capable of doing so on their own at this point (as none of the progress sticks if the being is not totally committed to change). Letting things crash hurt a lot and was very uncomfortable at times.  Members quickly divided into microgroups and I soon found which company I was welcome in and not (in the sense of who actually gave a fuck about my well being, and who didn’t). But I didn’t stop there. I drove the ship out into the storm to force every hidden issue to the surface: Literally. I drove a ship out into the middle of the ocean with whomever claimed they wanted to come along.

I had a pretty strong feeling by the end there would probably be only three of us on that boat (myself, dusken, and her companion).


My journeys on the ship were many. I met both previously-known beings and new acquaintances, and I applied a strict filter to all of them. I was determined to not repeat the mistakes I had made in all of my other astral adventures: committing to things that ultimately are not healthy for me, and desperately hoping they will change. I was taking the lessons I learned from my physical life here, and trying to take it deeper to a soul level: In short, I want to fix the core issues that have plagued my soul’s existence and history so that these things never happen again physically or intangibly.

It was hard. I spent time in many facets, resurrecting unresolved issues and relationships, reliving terrible lives, finding home in many cities just to ultimately have to leave. When things got too hard, I found myself in the company of titan-sized mermaids (that looked nothing like the typical depictions). Old souls I once knew but didn’t remember started coming of the woodwork to comfort me. Small pieces and fragments of my soul’s history began to surface that could not be seen before because they were drowned out by the sheer amount of crisis that my astral life so often is. Truths began to outnumber the facades, I was getting to know myself better and finding solidity. I could no longer be pushed over by the roles everything else wanted me to be.

After some time out at sea, things began to get weird and there was an eerie feeling of impending doom. I know that one well: it’s the drop in my stomach that always signifies some game changing shit is about to hit the fan. Color me surprised.  By putting up resistance and sticking to my guns on what is right for me, many of my soul’s bonds started to come to a natural end. I worked relentlessly to pull those threads out one by one and examine them and resolve the remaining issues so that there would be no risk of reconnecting [for unhealthy reasons]. But again, some more truths surfaced, some more history of manipulation–and I found myself having to swing the scythe down on every bond I had.

In a way, it was the only way I could ensure my own safety and protection. I live by a simple law when it comes to bonds: ones that are meant to be will mend themselves back together rather quickly after being severed. In this case, I knew I would likely have only one bond that would reconnect (can you take a guess? Dusken!) I stood on my own ship and ended everything with everyone with the good faith that what is good will come back to me. I was starting over completely clean. This was awkward though, and the amount of frustration and disappointment in the fact that nearly everything in my astral life had to be ditched was overwhelming. I knew it all along, but to take back control of your soul can be very hard when you have spent most of your astral life just trying to survive (I’m sure there are some happy rainbow places on the astral, but that ain’t where I typically find myself).


My astral existence has had many focuses, everything from war, to politics, to pantheons and unfathomable amorphous experiences–but when in the astral you will no doubt encounter a relationship at least once. If not multiple times, with multiple beings. It is the nature of the beast. Relationships aren’t the be all to end all but because they create such strong bonds of energy, they tend to manifest pretty readily: especially ones from the past that you have carried with you knowingly, or unknowingly.

When I force cut EVERY bond I had, I knew the only way to keep my heart clean was to do some digging and make sure that I was aware of every bond I’ve ever had or will have. I spent several months tracing threads through different worlds and planes and lifetimes. I didn’t allow myself time to adopt my bad habits of becoming addicted to the extremes of emotions that come with bonds. I forced myself to abstain from partaking or committing to anything. I repeated to myself like a mantra that anything worthwhile for the heart will return or be there when the time is right.  I carried that out here, in the physical realm as well–and I am glad that I did because this turns the wheel on one of the most detrimental parts of my life; my inability to break away from abuse.

With just my own presence, I had to sit with myself and learn to be comfortable alone, and to also value myself. While I have always been fiercely independent, I have also had major weak spots that I lean on heart matters to drown out and make life tolerable.

My soul was maturing. The difficulties I had been having with doing this shadow work in my astral life; were beginning to get easier and feel more natural.

By the end of cutting every bond I had, the ship felt uncomfortable to be on (being surrounded by members that were no longer woven into my heart). I hopped ship and found land.


My headspace has a reputation for being destroyed. Ever since I “awakened” to the astral, any time I manifest a world/space in my headspace, I go in three days later to find the place burned down, bombed, razed, or inhabited by a sordid character with bad intentions for me. For a very long time, I abandoned the hope of ever having a headspace last more than three days. (Did I mention my heartspace has a similar history? Well now you know).

But again, this is shadow work–and I knew that until I could resolve why or who was continually destroying my headspace, I would never be happy or recovered. Recovery means handling all issues. Shadow work is most successful when you tackle every threat to your well being one by one. Otherwise you leave traps for yourself to relapse or repeat. So day after day, I would labor with the minimal energy I had to create a space until one lasted and the defenses were strong enough to withstand an intruder–and then watched.

With the help of a friend’s astral family (that respected my boundaries extremely), I began to regain my strength day by day, hashing out verbally all the residual shadows from unraveling my heart and bonds and leaving behind my entire astral history, until I made peace with them. Once I was strong enough, and I could locate deep within me what was unhinging my successes and compromising my efforts through out the year; I destroyed it. I confronted it. I wish I could describe the account, but alas it was one of those not-really-tangible-manifested-form things that go beyond human experience/senses. I felt a sense of completion. Empty, but complete. Something within me shifted–I felt as though I aged a million lifetimes in five minutes. It was almost like all the progression my soul had made over the lifetimes and eons was backlogged, and was finally catching up all at once.

I commemorated the moment (sorry no details on this either), and from that day onward, the way I handled my life and my astral work changed.


When there are great periods of change, it is not uncommon to experience a “black out” (no astral connection, no manifestation of yourself, no consciousness of dual lives). I sometimes force black outs at various points through out my years astral travelling, but most of the time they just happen to you. This one happened to me after I secured my headspace, and I welcomed it.

I spent more time focusing on my shadow work here, trying to fix some major issues not tied to bonds or spirituality or the soul–just the concerns from this life only. Having nothing left of my astral life also meant having nothing left of my practices; as they were all largely based around my astral life. So I spent some quality time at the library and burying myself in books and research and carving out a new practice for myself here that could be influenced and added upon by my astral life, but would not be dependent on it.

I found myself looking down a path I almost went down a few years before; but turned away from because I did not feel I was ready. It was largely a case of lacking confidence, knowing that it would require a commitment I wasn’t sure I could uphold. Meanwhile, I let Dusken sort of carry me through the astral. I knew my soul was safe and being so free from all my anchors, I could tag along for whatever journey she was going down. But her path too was beginning to turn where I saw mine going as well, so I followed. I figured if anything, I would just watch.

As the black out slowly faded, and my connection reformed, my mantra from earlier began to prove true: if I cut anything that is meant to be, it will reform itself. Like a plant through harvest–death does not always mean the end of existence for something, it can just be a necessary process to allow new stalks to grow, bushier flowers to bloom.

I found myself in the company of spirit from before, that to be honest, I was not hopeful would ever be a part of my life again. I expected there to be some baggage but there was none–which is very fitting of the being. Very little bothers them, and they only look forward, they hate to hang on to the past. Since I am naturally so heavily focused on the past (since Shadow work is my forte and often requires looking at the past), I expected this to cause some friction. However, it didn’t.

Instead the being only asked for one thing; that I drink more water.

It’s not news that I don’t drink enough water, but out of all the crazy and extreme shit that makes up my existence, the most mundane thing became their focus. Not the things we had been through, not the mistakes I’ve made, not the history that follows me–their focus was on my health. My well being.

My shadow work was successful.

Because I had removed myself from the things that are of no benefit to me, and finally learned how to walk a path of self respect; surrounding myself with beings with positive interactions, that care more about my well being than some form of self-satisfaction by twisting and bending me to their wants. I turned my own wheel, I changed my own history, I changed my own fate–I transformed the patterns of my life on all levels of existence.

No wars, no constant crisis, no violent push and pull relationships, no sordid servitude or manipulation.

It was not easy and I have spent many nights feeling like absolute crap, and trying to fuel my defenses with what little energy I have–but I never thought I’d get to a point where my astral life had some stability (especially after I lost a good ounce of magix after splitting from one of my kin, defending myself from the will of others was near impossible).

I now remain in the company of a simple soul that only asks that I drink more water and take care of myself; who doesn’t take advantage of my compromised state. I live with a few others who also  have healthy relationships with me.

Now I feel as though my shadow work is truly committed: I stick to my values here and in the astral. Doing so has strengthened my resolve, and taken a load of stress off my back, and a few pits out of my stomach.