I don’t know if I’m gonna make this a Monday habit or anything, but here we go. I’m just going to give you a no-bullshit account of my feelings in my path right now, with honesty.
-Making your own path is exhausting and shit changes too much too quickly too often over too many years.
-I really want holidays. The ones I made for my path don’t do jack for me. I want festivity. Which means people and socializing. Socializing is part of the path. I basically want religious parties complete with dollar store party hats. Don’t tell me this demeans the meaning and seriousness of holidays. Community always has been a huge part of any successful faith. And those hats are bitchin’.
-Wanting socialization and parties makes me a very confused hermit.
-I still really have an interest in Islam, but still can’t commit to most of the tenants.
-Despite this I find myself still gravitating toward it as I get older.
-Which confuses me greatly.
-I am back to hating the term paganism. Because it doesn’t fit.
-I pray a lot. It’s never directed at anyone or anything. Never will be.
-Which should probably concern me because who knows where that shit is going or what doors I’m opening. But it doesn’t. I could care less.
-I want a place of worship.
-Because it’s also exhausting to create your own and have no where else to turn to when you don’t have the spirit anymore and you want to give up.
-I go to churches sometimes to fix that but it doesn’t feel right, nor it is totally fulfilling.
-I question if my interest in certain religions is based on this–and not actually the beliefs.
-Which makes me wonder about the nature of worship versus awareness of spirit. Is it different? Yet I want both. I just don’t want one or the other dictating one another.
-I want gods but I don’t.
-The older I get, the more animist I become. Which creates great confusion between my interest in established gods and religions, and just being aware of things.
-At the end of the day I still really dislike organized religion, despite my craving for it. Still grappling with this.
Just needed to get that off my chest. Even when you practice for 10-11 years, you still have moments of floundering and grappling with how you mature and change your mind as you get older and the things that applied before no longer apply. The thing NOT to do with this is go religion “shopping” or make quick decisions. Let things soak in for a few years–if you don’t change your mind, great. If you do–then you can keep walking and you won’t have stirred up nests you don’t belong in. At least, that’s what I’ve found to be the path of least resistance for me.